'Who knows what tomorrow brings?'

Following Dubious and Tumchie's example I have decided to clear the air with some people I have large trucks with.


1. You are a poisonous weasel whose egocentric relationship to the world means you treat everyone as being inferior and the truth about you is that you are a common wee nyaff, whose taste in clothes, music, and style betrays just how common you are. (in love, that is)

That felt good!

2. I lied.

3. You are.

4. You are a total wanker at times and you need to get passed your self pity and get the fuck on with it

5. I was being ironic when I apologized and only a moron would not have noticed that.

6. (warning this will be vitriolic) You think that you know so much and thought that you had the right to make decisions about peoples lives, well who was right? I hope you can reflect on how you handled the situation and live with some of the pain you have caused, knowing what it did to the souls of a number of people, some adults and some young. Yet part of me hopes that when you have realised the implication of your actions you know forgiveness.

7. You abused your position with those young people because you are a wee man with a wee personality.

8. You are a joke.

9. What a waist (pun - intentional)

10. Yes I do mind that we don't do that!

On to the musing...

Success

I am once again putting myself through the pain of applying for another job with the hope of an interview and even the job itself. I feel I am - emotionally - in a better place, (aside from the above comments) and more able to cope with the whole interview and possible rejection thing. But that is the really difficult thing. In going for this job not only is there the emotional chance of feeling 'un chosen' {not so much a theological state as a childhood memory from football, rounders, cricket, tennis, in fact any game in which I hoped to be chosen and was not!} but there is also the psychological damage this may do to me. I like all neo-Freudian/Jungians - a new group of people who have read one too many pop psychology books and will pick and mix from the collective consciousness and the id as we see fit - are too aware of our psyche and such things and see dangers in the simplest of things (mainly decisions) so that we are caught in some non-existential angst. Where was I... Oh yes... I have spent the last 10 years trying to stop defining myself by what I do and focus on who I am, so every job I go for sets my therapy back by several months because everything from application to interview is about judging what you do at some level. But I need the money so that will at least help!

Yet all this being said I know how I pick/picked staff, it was not their CV of information but who they were, the person that came over at interview, rather that the tasks they had completed. Perhaps that will be my strength, communicating who I am not just what I have done. What I am like, not just how hard I work.

yer ah git...oh

Just read the TM's blog and it got me thinking too.

I am sitting here in St Andrews in a cafe/bar with free wireless connection, drinking Guinness, finishing some marking and waiting for my wife.

The upside of this is the beer and the free internet. The downside is the English/American/Fuckinsnobbybastard Students that surround me. If it weren't for them I'd be paying for my internet, but because of them I have to hear loud cunts talking about pish. Piers has just said to Jocaster that he would love to try three day eventing. Where the fuck do these wastes of skin come from!

Ok enough with the rant! I am sure someone loves the parasitic bastards. Hanging about with toffs just brings out the NED or socialist in me. Come the revolution.

And this got me thinking. Why is it that the comedy I like so much comes from the people who evoke such a reaction from me. Is it a sense of my own worth. That in liking the humour I am somehow validated by the intellectual process of understanding it. Is it that in Monty Python's surrealist humour I see the work of Dali or the Dadaist movement, in the cunning word play of the I'm sorry I haven't a clue team I am able to show my extensive vocabulary and recognise punning of the most complex order. In all of this is my dislike for toffs to do with my own inferiority as a lad from Drumchapel who feels a low self esteem in the presence of the self assured. No it is that I like bum jokes and nonsense and hate the injustice of the class system and that they have invariably all shagged their cousins and siblings to get a common chin!

Oh two of them have just moved to the end of the table I am at... They are so fuckin loud. snfuckinoby basfuckintard! By the way splitting a word with the insertion of another word is called tmesis or t-fuckin-mesis. Who said this was not an educational blog!

Ok

Last time I wrote (and I know I missed my self imposed Friday deadline by 5 days - but heavy drinking weekend) I was in a very depressed mood. Mainly focused on the church thing, well I have begun to get over that mainly by masturbation and pornography, nah only joking. Thanks to Dubious for the thoughts. I'm guessing you have gone Greek, personally my pref is for the Coptic lot, there is one in Kirkcaldy... no honestly. Opened by Pope Shenouda III.
Things are better now, the key thing is that idea of fellowship and the nature of God. The copts, like all orthodox groups start with the understanding that God is awful in the original sense. That he is fundamentally unknowable, transcendent, therefore all discussion or understanding is provisional, language fails to do justice to any explanation of God or a relationship with him. Personally I think it is a good place to start. The next bit is wonderful, it is the paradox that even though all of this is true he has still in some mysterious way made himself known (although the idea of knowing God or even the term himself is transient and does not fully explain or do it justice). Don't you love paradox!

In some ways (and here is a deep bit) my live is a paradox; drinking, swearing, course, opinionated, spiteful, loved, hypocrite, child of god, forgiven, the list goes on.

And I think to myself ...



what a pile of shite!!!


oh yeh

Is this the world we created?

This image is 'Christ of St John of the Cross' by Salvador Dali and when I was a student in Glasgow it was in the Kelvin Grove museum. I use to visit it often and loved just sitting looking at it. It is wonderful, not because it is Dali's best, though in my opinion it is, but because it contains a truth that is bigger than the work itself. It shows the nature of the act of Christ's crucifixion. Not an even bounded by time and space but more than that. An event that is cosmic, whether you believe the whole Christian thing or not, the crucifixion has taken on wider significance than just the event. I use to sit, and get lost, looking at that picture.

In my record collection, notice the use of the word 'record' that means vinyl - but we will get to that later - I have three picture discs. These are coloured vinyl with pictures on them. They are "ghostbusters' by Ray Parker jr, '1984' by The Eurythmics and 'Is this the world we created' by Queen - actually that is the b side I'm not sure what the a side is. Anywho, one of the lines in that song is 'if there's a god looking down from the sky what must he think of what we've done to the world that he created'. I'm not sure about the line but I have been thinking - since last weekend - about God's opinion.

I, like most of the west would call myself a christian, a fairly shite one, but a christian never the less. Well I don't go to church (well if living in a garage doesn't make you a car why should going to church have any bearing on being a christian). But that was all changing last week. Let me explain.

8 years ago I worked for a church group, and they shat on me from a great height, that of course is only my side of the story, and is, a very short history. As a result I became a bitter and angry man, well that is not really true, I have always been a bit angry and bitter. However, now my anger was about the church and how it was full of power hungry people with their own agendas/desires for themselves. In short not what it was supposed to be. I went through a wilderness in which I took up swearing and more swearing as a sign of my contempt. I only ever attended a church if I felt guilty, for not going, or out of some sense of 'rite' that I should go. However, this changed last weekend. I went to church to see a friend who was hurting, to offer support, and I managed that. The sermon was really moving and I felt I experienced God in some way. This was a good thing and for the first time in eight years I wanted to go to church for the right reasons. This did not last, within minutes of all of this I was aware - from a letter at the front of the church - that there was a power struggle going on. That people were being bullied and manipulated. I was angry. I didn't like being back in a church and being angry again.

For the last eight years I have been on a quest, a journey in which much of my anger and arrogance (not all by any means) were being melted away. I was a nicer person, all my friends thought so, and here I was in the place where I could meet God and be encouraged to change by his people, yet I was being changed for the worse.

I had a long conversation with the Tumchie following this and we talked about how church can effect and affect you. During the conversation he said that he loved me, I want to thank him for that and also ask the question " Why is it that THIS - "i Love You' is the very thing the church should be saying, yet never does? " I know some people say it, but the institution misses it too often.

The though that occurred to me was 'Is this the world we created?' my answer was YES! The church was not meant to be like this, yet it is. I am not sure what I will do, though I am going back on Sunday to see how my friend is doing and to tell this story to the leaders of the church. I honestly don't believe it will make a difference but I have to try.

As for the vinyl. It is a sign of my age that I still think of records as - RECORDS and even refer to albums downloaded from iTunes as records.

Perhaps all of the church nonsense is just a further part of me being 40.