This image is 'Christ of St John of the Cross' by Salvador Dali and when I was a student in Glasgow it was in the Kelvin Grove museum. I use to visit it often and loved just sitting looking at it. It is wonderful, not because it is Dali's best, though in my opinion it is, but because it contains a truth that is bigger than the work itself. It shows the nature of the act of Christ's crucifixion. Not an even bounded by time and space but more than that. An event that is cosmic, whether you believe the whole Christian thing or not, the crucifixion has taken on wider significance than just the event. I use to sit, and get lost, looking at that picture.
In my record collection, notice the use of the word 'record' that means vinyl - but we will get to that later - I have three picture discs. These are coloured vinyl with pictures on them. They are "ghostbusters' by Ray Parker jr, '1984' by The Eurythmics and 'Is this the world we created' by Queen - actually that is the b side I'm not sure what the a side is. Anywho, one of the lines in that song is 'if there's a god looking down from the sky what must he think of what we've done to the world that he created'. I'm not sure about the line but I have been thinking - since last weekend - about God's opinion.
I, like most of the west would call myself a christian, a fairly shite one, but a christian never the less. Well I don't go to church (well if living in a garage doesn't make you a car why should going to church have any bearing on being a christian). But that was all changing last week. Let me explain.
8 years ago I worked for a church group, and they shat on me from a great height, that of course is only my side of the story, and is, a very short history. As a result I became a bitter and angry man, well that is not really true, I have always been a bit angry and bitter. However, now my anger was about the church and how it was full of power hungry people with their own agendas/desires for themselves. In short not what it was supposed to be. I went through a wilderness in which I took up swearing and more swearing as a sign of my contempt. I only ever attended a church if I felt guilty, for not going, or out of some sense of 'rite' that I should go. However, this changed last weekend. I went to church to see a friend who was hurting, to offer support, and I managed that. The sermon was really moving and I felt I experienced God in some way. This was a good thing and for the first time in eight years I wanted to go to church for the right reasons. This did not last, within minutes of all of this I was aware - from a letter at the front of the church - that there was a power struggle going on. That people were being bullied and manipulated. I was angry. I didn't like being back in a church and being angry again.
For the last eight years I have been on a quest, a journey in which much of my anger and arrogance (not all by any means) were being melted away. I was a nicer person, all my friends thought so, and here I was in the place where I could meet God and be encouraged to change by his people, yet I was being changed for the worse.
I had a long conversation with the Tumchie following this and we talked about how church can effect and affect you. During the conversation he said that he loved me, I want to thank him for that and also ask the question " Why is it that THIS - "i Love You' is the very thing the church should be saying, yet never does? " I know some people say it, but the institution misses it too often.
The though that occurred to me was 'Is this the world we created?' my answer was YES! The church was not meant to be like this, yet it is. I am not sure what I will do, though I am going back on Sunday to see how my friend is doing and to tell this story to the leaders of the church. I honestly don't believe it will make a difference but I have to try.
As for the vinyl. It is a sign of my age that I still think of records as - RECORDS and even refer to albums downloaded from iTunes as records.
Perhaps all of the church nonsense is just a further part of me being 40.
2 comments:
I said I loved you but don't get it into your head that i actually like you!!!
We tend to look at the church and see the failings of the people. Just as when non-christians look at christians they think they see God and are a bit disappointed.
As in every area of our lives we need to stop expecting perfection from humanity. If we can accept the shite then we can also forgive our own shite and smile a lot more.
I became Orthodox, for a variety of reasons which I can tell you about at some point if you like, and the big benefit for me these last few years is that at Church I just worship and experience... because everything's in Greek!
Now, I know what's going on and I know the words that are being said, but the focus (and not just for me) is on God and the people, NOT the pastor or the elders or the music team.
Fuck the past, it's a dead place. Like Tumch expressed, it's about love, and love with expectations is no love at all.
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