It's great being a Priest Ted...

Apparently when I was about 6 or 7 I wanted to be a Priest. I have no real recollection of this phase of my life, but my mother assures me that this is what I wanted to do.

As a young Catholic boy it is quite possible that this is true, I'm sure that lots of boys go through this phase. Catholic priests are a big part of the community and at that age the priest we had - who is now dead - was very cool. He liked football, drinking, smoking, in fact almost all of the vices apart from the one that 6 year olds don't like. Girls. That being said he was at one point sent to - what he himself in later life referred to as - a home for naughty priests. No he was not into small boys or girls but drank too much and may have had a 'fling'. He was, after all, only human.

I have always had a side of myself that has been interested in the big questions, the metaphysical questions, the nature of God. So a desire to follow that interest into a work place, to a vocation makes sense. So when at the age of 23/24 ish I left college - having studied theology - I was natural that I take up a 'calling'. Mine was not as a priest but as a youth worker, based in a church. It backed up what I knew about God and his plans and his church and his ways and him. But it didn't work.

So that left me in a difficult place. What do you do when you think that you are supposed to be doing something and you are unable to do it. Well you do something else but with the belief that you are in the wrong place.

I've been there for the last 8 years. Believing I did something wrong and not being able to fix it. Till this year and in reality in the last few months.
I was chatting to a friend the other night and looking at the idea of the 'big picture' we came to a point where we realised we have seen a bigger path and have walked it - ok we got much of it wrong but it taught us that we are paradoxically crucial to the plan of the divine and surplus to requirements that is great news. It should be liberty but at the same time it just makes us feel or know that we can make a difference. Here's the trick... we do. After years (even) of thinking I was in the wrong job that I should have been a Christian Youth worker, I realised - and only this year in the last few months - that I had a greater influence where I was than I could ever have in a church. And even though - or perhaps because - I am a sick foul mouthed bum I can still have an impact for the love of Christ - we have always argued Christ he hung around with prostitutes, drunks and those who lacked a morally self riteous attitude, so how do we think he wants us to spread his love for humanity? To be with real people in the place where they really live.

In an earlier blog I highlighted that I loved Dali's 'Christ of St John of the Cross' it is transcendent and mystical, but I also love the image of Christ at the well with the Samaritan woman, normal, human Christ who spends time with those he loves.

He is both, surely.

It's been a month...

Exactly a month. Life has overtaken the lack of living which was my blog. I feel I should email all to let them know that I am back online. And As part of the fitting tribute I am back blogging in St Andrews.

Ok it is question time again, before the muse.

Part One Why - and this is not a negative comment, or a cultural slur - do Americans wear their baseball caps in door, in a pub. Not just young people - like many Scots kids - but 50 and 60 year olds?

What is the fundamental difference in culture that means what I would think on as rude they don't. And I'm sure that they don't. It is clearly a cultural difference. But how did it arise?

I am again surrounded by LOUD people who's conversations I am not interested in but who I can hear clearly. Every word in the cacophony of sound could be tuned into and logged. But let's not.


Part Two Why - and this is a comment on me too - are the aspiring middle classes aspiring? What is it we really feel we need. Why do we lack the satisfaction we think we need? I like TM have an overhang from more Fundamental days and am tempted by the response - JESUS. But I 'm not convinced that that is the answer, I think it may be true but it is not what I am trying to get at. We have more money than our parents, (generally - when they were our age) we have more comfortable lives, we have better working conditions - physically - so don't give me that pish about mental stress, grow up for fucksake, my mum worked in a factory on Clydeside during WW2 and bombs were dropping, my dad worked in ships engine rooms before the HSE got all protective. I can't even fart at work without a risk assessment being done. Rant over

So what is it that we want? I know I want something but I am not sure what it really is. That is part of the problem. We WANT. That is the real issue, we don't need for anything and want everything. iPod, Big Car, Laptop, Plumbed in fridge freezer, digital SLR camera, Digital video camera, DVD recorder, SKY+ (TM) Bigger house, Plasma TV, Cinema Sound - with sub woofer, the list goes on and on. PS that is just my list and it doesn't end there.

Just after my kids were born we went to visit friends down in County Durham. They live what I think of as a simpler life and at that point most of their 'stuff' was older. The video worked by using a spatula to 'flick' videos out. I really admired that they had not been caught up in the acquisition rat race. I wanted to be like them and said so to my wife. She laughed, and laughed, and laughed. She knew I was serious but knew me too well. I have more gadgets that anyone else I know. Yet they have it right, they life within their means and yet life a good life. They are that rare breed the NonAspiring Middle Class, whereas I am the grasping bourgeois.

Why? Answers on a postcard please.

Part Three Why - that is it just why?

I was chatting on IM to a former pupil (though not of mine) and current friend last night. He asked a deep question. About English and it got me thinking. Are we defined by the books we read, do they reveal who we are or are they just a good read? There use to be a person in my worksphere who would always ask at interviews
? "What are you reading just now?" ?
Well it may have not been so daft after all. For me it is Conrad's The Secret Agent and Galloway's The Trick is to Keep Breathing or Joyce's Ulysses

Difficult and awkward texts. So he then asked why and that forced introspection. Asking the question who am I? What is my philosophy

oh ps that was all after finding out another friend's dad had died. Mortality.



ok there are two sides to this, the first is my childish immature side
I have never got beyond bum,fanny and cock jokes
so in all that I look at be it music or literature there is an adolescent boy in that background of my psyche so that is the first side. The late teenager who listened to Joy Division, The Sex Pistols and was in a punk band.

but the otherside is this person who is facinated and enchanted by the way things work. and in knowing more, deconstructing and fundimentally using my brain. Not in a straight line way, but, it's hard to put into words

ok Freud (yes I know this is Psychology but we will get to the philosophy in a minute) described people in the terms of a tripartate nature - ego, superego, id. In someways - though Freud would not agree with me- but fuck him he obviously never read Roland Barthe - reader theory - this was the humanistic expression of a religious concept of the Body, Soul, and Spirit, the human reflection of the idea of the Trinity (God, Jesus and The Holy Spirit) - fuck this is getting deep. On the other 'side' of psychology there is Jung who focused on the fundamental unity of humanity redressing the balance towards integrated psyche and physicality Ok so this is pop psychology and very broad sweep and TM would tell me : a) I don't know what I'm talking about and b) My analysis is based on a surface reading of both without an indepth knowledge and over simplification. Too True! That said here is my opinion they are both right, even though they are in 'oposition' to each other they create a paradox. This requires a paradigm shift in the way we understand concepts. This brings me to philosophy...

Kierkegaard - and the existentialist movement - argue that there is an uncommunical experience - the final experience (though this is where they get carried away). So on one front it is bum and tits, and on the other it is an intellectual chase after the big ideas with the knowledge that some of them are sooooo big that you will never get them.

This brings me to the link with the God thing. And this is that God exists in paradox he/she/they are both immanent and transcendent therefore known and unknowable. So in all aspects of my life I am always in search for the knowable whilst recognising the fact that even when I think I've got it I'm probably wrong so fuck it who cares.

The out working, and again it is a theological point, is that you find things unimportant and people and relationship the most rewarding because that is the bit you need to struggle with. So literature that describes the process of relationship moves me and challenges me, and the stuff I struggle with reveals more of who I am and by that I learn.

That is why I went into youth work and teaching, to create useful positive relationships, some short lived, some continuing.

My mate then raised an important question in his mind..." I have real trouble knowing that the majority of people either don't care about being generally good natured, care about the relationships they form, or generally consign themselves to not give a damn about anyone else incase they get hurt"

My response to that is a recognition that it makes me/you flawed, I become Robin Williams in 'Dead poets' which for a teacher is both good and bad. Inside we like him and at the same time as wanting to be him and have his influence we recognise that he was a wank.
In 'School of Rock' There is a bit where Jack Black's character says 'I hope I have touched your children and I know they have touched me' well despite the pervy sound of the comment that is what good teachers - and for that matter good people - want to do

To make a difference - yes I know that still makes me nieve but better to believe a lie that brings joy or a truth that kills? - Watch 'Big Fish'

Easter Messages

I've been listening to the news today and it is full of various religious leaders making their Easter statements. Most of these are very encouraging 'Peace' here and 'Faith' there, all jolly nice and then my favourite, I just love Anglican clergy, from the Arch Bishop of Canterbury. In it he attacked various people who undermine the story of Christ - I know you are wondering where this is going - including Dan Brown's fictional work. He commented on the preponderance of conspiracy theorists and the mythology that surrounds the gospels. At the heart of his message is a question, the same one that Pilate asked Jesus - assuming... Well you get the point.

The question -----What is Truth?

On to the musing...
So what is truth? Well in the words of Chris Carter we know that The Truth is Out There and given the world of Mulder and Sculley conspiracies abound. Who married who? Was Christ married?

Ok confession time -

I have read most (not all) of the DaVinci Code and as a piece literature, well it's not! I'm not being a book snob it is just pish, badly written and shows a lack of linguistic skill - and if anyone guns their car again... It is pish, bad story, in poor English but despite all of this it is the way Brown behaves that really annoys me. The book is fiction but he acts like it is real. It is a conspiracy theory beyond belief. He drops in little things to make it more 'believable' and then when asked if it is the truth raises his eyes (metaphorically) as if to say 'yes but I don't want to say'. This is what pissed off Dr Williams and he was right to be pissed.

So What is Truth? Growing up we use to debate whether there was absolute truth or if it was relative. I am not such a firm believer in absolutes anymore but I am convinced that the early church was not so institutionalised that it had an agenda when setting the canon. It was about a search for the truth. They wanted the documents of those who they were sure had known Jesus personally or who had recorded the stories of those who had first hand knowledge.

Tumchie Muncher and I had a discussion a few years about the willingness of people to see the worst in people rather that the best. This applies to religion, politics, education, media almost all spheres of life. But perhaps that is the wonder of the Easter Message, not a retelling of the worst news or belief but a celebration of the best news. If you don't believe the Easter story in its literal sense you can still take some joy in the knowledge that some people are still willing to look at the darkest dawn and see the good.
-
PS. Oh by the way I find it hard to believe that a church that painted out 'Christ's wife' in favour of Peter would have him so violently denying Christ three times and the countless mentions of him that are so negative.

Charis - grace in a wee girl - oh and Ben too

This is one of my favourite pictures of all time. It is my kids.

As a result of this I have adjusted my last posting, to reflect a more gracious and wholesome thought. You see it is this that motivates me. I remember when Charis was born, actually before she was born, when we chose her name. My wife had not long found out she was pregnant and we were discussing names. I can't remember who came up with the suggestion but we both knew at once, she was Charis - Grace, a free gift with no strings attached, care and love motivating a respect and gentle treatment of others. When we were married a friend gave us a picture, well really it was more than that it is an ikon - or icon - painted by a lady who was a coptic iconographer. It is a picture of Christ with a lamb over his shoulders and a quote from Isaiah about a shepherd looking after the lambs and those with young. We knew that this was what could be referred to as a call on our lives, to look after those who needed care. We have tried to do this, though frequently unsuccessfully, and often I have avoided my responsibility to follow my selfish desires, rather than God's

Remembering this has caused me to look at my life again. In the last blog I asked ... Who knows what tomorrow brings?... Well that is still the question but the response is different. TM and I were MSN'in the other night and had a long and deep conversation, as is our way. At the end of it I was left with some thoughts about how I have fucked up much of my life. The up side of this, as it emerged from the conversation, was that in this was the liberty of a relationship with God, one not built on my supposed goodness but one built on the knowledge that I had done nothing redemptive and that my life deserved hell and damnation, therefore if I was truly beyond the pail then there was nothing to lose or gain in a relationship with god it was a neutral act, one that was for the sake of the relationship itself. That was freeing, it was an understanding of Grace/Charis. Even if I was not to be forgiven much I could still forgive and try to live at peace with the world and the eventual destiny did not mater what mattered was doing what I wanted to and what I felt was right for me. This brings me back to Charis, we named her because - and here is the big and arrogant picture - we wanted her name to be a message to the church about how they should live. And everyday it is a message to me about how I should live. Here is to the awakening of charis in my life, lets hope I get there.

'Who knows what tomorrow brings?'

Following Dubious and Tumchie's example I have decided to clear the air with some people I have large trucks with.


1. You are a poisonous weasel whose egocentric relationship to the world means you treat everyone as being inferior and the truth about you is that you are a common wee nyaff, whose taste in clothes, music, and style betrays just how common you are. (in love, that is)

That felt good!

2. I lied.

3. You are.

4. You are a total wanker at times and you need to get passed your self pity and get the fuck on with it

5. I was being ironic when I apologized and only a moron would not have noticed that.

6. (warning this will be vitriolic) You think that you know so much and thought that you had the right to make decisions about peoples lives, well who was right? I hope you can reflect on how you handled the situation and live with some of the pain you have caused, knowing what it did to the souls of a number of people, some adults and some young. Yet part of me hopes that when you have realised the implication of your actions you know forgiveness.

7. You abused your position with those young people because you are a wee man with a wee personality.

8. You are a joke.

9. What a waist (pun - intentional)

10. Yes I do mind that we don't do that!

On to the musing...

Success

I am once again putting myself through the pain of applying for another job with the hope of an interview and even the job itself. I feel I am - emotionally - in a better place, (aside from the above comments) and more able to cope with the whole interview and possible rejection thing. But that is the really difficult thing. In going for this job not only is there the emotional chance of feeling 'un chosen' {not so much a theological state as a childhood memory from football, rounders, cricket, tennis, in fact any game in which I hoped to be chosen and was not!} but there is also the psychological damage this may do to me. I like all neo-Freudian/Jungians - a new group of people who have read one too many pop psychology books and will pick and mix from the collective consciousness and the id as we see fit - are too aware of our psyche and such things and see dangers in the simplest of things (mainly decisions) so that we are caught in some non-existential angst. Where was I... Oh yes... I have spent the last 10 years trying to stop defining myself by what I do and focus on who I am, so every job I go for sets my therapy back by several months because everything from application to interview is about judging what you do at some level. But I need the money so that will at least help!

Yet all this being said I know how I pick/picked staff, it was not their CV of information but who they were, the person that came over at interview, rather that the tasks they had completed. Perhaps that will be my strength, communicating who I am not just what I have done. What I am like, not just how hard I work.

yer ah git...oh

Just read the TM's blog and it got me thinking too.

I am sitting here in St Andrews in a cafe/bar with free wireless connection, drinking Guinness, finishing some marking and waiting for my wife.

The upside of this is the beer and the free internet. The downside is the English/American/Fuckinsnobbybastard Students that surround me. If it weren't for them I'd be paying for my internet, but because of them I have to hear loud cunts talking about pish. Piers has just said to Jocaster that he would love to try three day eventing. Where the fuck do these wastes of skin come from!

Ok enough with the rant! I am sure someone loves the parasitic bastards. Hanging about with toffs just brings out the NED or socialist in me. Come the revolution.

And this got me thinking. Why is it that the comedy I like so much comes from the people who evoke such a reaction from me. Is it a sense of my own worth. That in liking the humour I am somehow validated by the intellectual process of understanding it. Is it that in Monty Python's surrealist humour I see the work of Dali or the Dadaist movement, in the cunning word play of the I'm sorry I haven't a clue team I am able to show my extensive vocabulary and recognise punning of the most complex order. In all of this is my dislike for toffs to do with my own inferiority as a lad from Drumchapel who feels a low self esteem in the presence of the self assured. No it is that I like bum jokes and nonsense and hate the injustice of the class system and that they have invariably all shagged their cousins and siblings to get a common chin!

Oh two of them have just moved to the end of the table I am at... They are so fuckin loud. snfuckinoby basfuckintard! By the way splitting a word with the insertion of another word is called tmesis or t-fuckin-mesis. Who said this was not an educational blog!

Ok

Last time I wrote (and I know I missed my self imposed Friday deadline by 5 days - but heavy drinking weekend) I was in a very depressed mood. Mainly focused on the church thing, well I have begun to get over that mainly by masturbation and pornography, nah only joking. Thanks to Dubious for the thoughts. I'm guessing you have gone Greek, personally my pref is for the Coptic lot, there is one in Kirkcaldy... no honestly. Opened by Pope Shenouda III.
Things are better now, the key thing is that idea of fellowship and the nature of God. The copts, like all orthodox groups start with the understanding that God is awful in the original sense. That he is fundamentally unknowable, transcendent, therefore all discussion or understanding is provisional, language fails to do justice to any explanation of God or a relationship with him. Personally I think it is a good place to start. The next bit is wonderful, it is the paradox that even though all of this is true he has still in some mysterious way made himself known (although the idea of knowing God or even the term himself is transient and does not fully explain or do it justice). Don't you love paradox!

In some ways (and here is a deep bit) my live is a paradox; drinking, swearing, course, opinionated, spiteful, loved, hypocrite, child of god, forgiven, the list goes on.

And I think to myself ...



what a pile of shite!!!


oh yeh

Is this the world we created?

This image is 'Christ of St John of the Cross' by Salvador Dali and when I was a student in Glasgow it was in the Kelvin Grove museum. I use to visit it often and loved just sitting looking at it. It is wonderful, not because it is Dali's best, though in my opinion it is, but because it contains a truth that is bigger than the work itself. It shows the nature of the act of Christ's crucifixion. Not an even bounded by time and space but more than that. An event that is cosmic, whether you believe the whole Christian thing or not, the crucifixion has taken on wider significance than just the event. I use to sit, and get lost, looking at that picture.

In my record collection, notice the use of the word 'record' that means vinyl - but we will get to that later - I have three picture discs. These are coloured vinyl with pictures on them. They are "ghostbusters' by Ray Parker jr, '1984' by The Eurythmics and 'Is this the world we created' by Queen - actually that is the b side I'm not sure what the a side is. Anywho, one of the lines in that song is 'if there's a god looking down from the sky what must he think of what we've done to the world that he created'. I'm not sure about the line but I have been thinking - since last weekend - about God's opinion.

I, like most of the west would call myself a christian, a fairly shite one, but a christian never the less. Well I don't go to church (well if living in a garage doesn't make you a car why should going to church have any bearing on being a christian). But that was all changing last week. Let me explain.

8 years ago I worked for a church group, and they shat on me from a great height, that of course is only my side of the story, and is, a very short history. As a result I became a bitter and angry man, well that is not really true, I have always been a bit angry and bitter. However, now my anger was about the church and how it was full of power hungry people with their own agendas/desires for themselves. In short not what it was supposed to be. I went through a wilderness in which I took up swearing and more swearing as a sign of my contempt. I only ever attended a church if I felt guilty, for not going, or out of some sense of 'rite' that I should go. However, this changed last weekend. I went to church to see a friend who was hurting, to offer support, and I managed that. The sermon was really moving and I felt I experienced God in some way. This was a good thing and for the first time in eight years I wanted to go to church for the right reasons. This did not last, within minutes of all of this I was aware - from a letter at the front of the church - that there was a power struggle going on. That people were being bullied and manipulated. I was angry. I didn't like being back in a church and being angry again.

For the last eight years I have been on a quest, a journey in which much of my anger and arrogance (not all by any means) were being melted away. I was a nicer person, all my friends thought so, and here I was in the place where I could meet God and be encouraged to change by his people, yet I was being changed for the worse.

I had a long conversation with the Tumchie following this and we talked about how church can effect and affect you. During the conversation he said that he loved me, I want to thank him for that and also ask the question " Why is it that THIS - "i Love You' is the very thing the church should be saying, yet never does? " I know some people say it, but the institution misses it too often.

The though that occurred to me was 'Is this the world we created?' my answer was YES! The church was not meant to be like this, yet it is. I am not sure what I will do, though I am going back on Sunday to see how my friend is doing and to tell this story to the leaders of the church. I honestly don't believe it will make a difference but I have to try.

As for the vinyl. It is a sign of my age that I still think of records as - RECORDS and even refer to albums downloaded from iTunes as records.

Perhaps all of the church nonsense is just a further part of me being 40.

20 days and still no word

Ok so I've not been blogging for over two weeks. I've not given up it's just that I wanted to stop whinging and make a more positive comment less negative.

Well we'll see!

Ok on the wwork front I am going back to the school I use to work at, this is both good and bad. On the down side it means a drop in wages and a loss of status. I always said that status should never be important it was the job that you do and the commitment that you show that was important. What total bollocks that is. I love being important and having power. The ability to scare children and control adults is fantastic. It is like being the child catcher from chitty bang bang, or a pedrophile.

However, the upside is that I am going back to a school that I like.

It was suggested that this could be a good experience as it will allow me to reflect on my learning experiences where I currently am. This is true, and there are other pluses. Tumchie always accuses me of mentionism, regarding a work mate, and the great thing is that I get to work with her again. Other plus points is that it means I can build confidence and get free lunches!

But the real question is a long term one where will this all lead and what will the eventual outcome be. Many of the council establishments in the area I work are struggling. There are cuts in budgets at a time where we are being pushed to make improvements, and poor managements in some sectors. Valuable and competent staff are being poorly treated because they will not cause a problem whilst the loud wankers get away and in some cases are rewarded for their incompetentce. Fear of challenging the poor work in case it gets legal, whilst they know that many of us won't do that so we get shat upon. Not that this is my situation but is the situation of at least two friends.

So much for it being a happier blog!

When I was a kid I remember being at all those Glasgow family parties, where everyone got pissed and did strange dances that involved sitting on the floor and where people drank Langs Banana Rum and Coke. The brand is important, according to my parents, and you can't get it easily. Anway there parties alway ended with a sing song where people did 'party pieces'. My dad's was a song... He was according to the family, and my memory, a good singer, but he had 'his' song the one he always did and it sums up my attitude in someways. though the song is about money it could just as easily be about power. It is the last line I remember
"it's the rich that get the pleasure and the poor what gets the blame"

'Good Night thanks for listening and my your God go with you.'

Hell and SUVs

Sorry I have been off for a while just recovering from the weekend away with Tumchie and soulmates. This was followed by a hard week at work. In the words of a Libyan philosopher "So much to do... so little time"

I followed the link from Tumchie's site to 'test your level of hell' and when I first tried it I was told that I was due to go to the first level of hell. Having read Dante's Divine Comedy I was surprised that I didn't get sent down further. So I sat the test again.
Much more like it.
Ok so I didn't make it to the last level but you have to have shagged a sheep for that, or at least have fondled one.

So before the muse-ing here are the results...



The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Eigth Level of Hell - the Malebolge!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Moderate
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Very Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	Moderate
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	High
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Very Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Moderate
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Very Low
Level 7 (Violent)	High
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Low

Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test

Musing

Ok what is hell - despite my fall from grace and my not being a good little religious boy anymore I am not yet ready to concede that 'Hell is other people'. This may not seem like a problem, particularly if hell doesn't exist.

This is not a claim before extreme fundamentalist start burning flags, or shouting 'behead the infidel' or worse still 'praying for me' it is just a thought.

As a young man I remember asserting with great assurance that 'even if hell doesn't exist I would still live the same way'.

That was without a doubt the biggest pile of bollocks ever capable of being spoken.

I shat myself at the thought of hell.

It would keep me awake, even though I thought that I wasn't going there... "what if I was wrong!"

Worse still the self abuse that filled my thoughts when I was not thinking about hell was sure to take me there!

In short I was fucked.

Hell stopped me from so many things.

Some of these were bad things that would have ruined my life and possibly forced me into a life of politics.

Others weren't. They were, in some cases, neutral, the would have harmed no-one or nothing. But they were WRONG! And why?

Well someone told me they were wrong. Someone older, with less hair than me. Someone who recognised that nature of power and used it. I am not suggesting that they planned this, or that is was malicious. But is was controlling and it did crushed the confidence.

I shout in my job at times. Generally at children who are misbehaving and who are interrupting the education of others. I say this to justify my actions and to make excuse.

The truth is I am good at it.

Having been controlled as a child and young adult by both the church and the education system I understand fear.

The children I shout fear me or my voice and are damaged by my actions. The school is not a better place because of it.

The children I reprove will go out and reprove others, probably in a less controlled way and with more obvious violence. I don't use God or Hell to scare, I use other tools.

Yet it does not change it only controls.

But until there is another mechanism, or until the pupils who should not be in the education system are removed, I will probably continue to control. Ok so it may not be that bad and I don't really shout that much but the issue is true.

Hell is a concept of control. Oh I believe it is real, just not in the traditional way. Hell exists in all of us. It is the place were we can be locked so that we will do as we are told.

Hell is an SUV trapped in a car park looking for a space.

I heard a programme on Radio 4 (BBC) in which some clever chap was talking about the consumer culture. He was saying that the motivator for purchasing was potential. The SUV you buy may only drive from home to work (27 miles in solid traffic) but you have the potential to drive all the way from home to the Sahara. That is the logic of the purchase. The problem is the SUV becomes a private hell, trapped on the M25 in a luxury car with sat nav and all that you could want, but you would be as well with a tractor.

I have become hell from myself and for others. In the words of the Bhagavad-Gita 'I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.' Vishnu's words could apply to us all as we unleash the hell of our private thoughts and our self initiated control.
SF

The crazy old bastard's other side.

Ok This is a late night post on Burns night. I have been reciting the ploughman's lad's work today to the classes, mainly humorous verse but now it is time for my own choices. The following two poems are for my wife and are among the finest verse Burns ever crafted.

The first extols the virtue of having money in love - a tocher is an old Scot's word for a dowry - oh and my wife's maiden name was Tocher, and I know of no greater dowry than her.

A Lass Wi' A Tocher

Awa' wi' your witchcraft o' Beauty's alarms,
The slender bit Beauty you grasp in your arms,
O, gie me the lass that has acres o' charms,
O, gie me the lass wi' the weel-stockit farms.

Chorus-Then hey, for a lass wi' a tocher,
Then hey, for a lass wi' a tocher;
Then hey, for a lass wi' a tocher;
The nice yellow guineas for me.

Your Beauty's a flower in the morning that blows,
And withers the faster, the faster it grows:
But the rapturous charm o' the bonie green knowes,
Ilk spring they're new deckit wi' bonie white yowes.

Then hey, for a lass, &c.

And e'en when this Beauty your bosom hath blest
The brightest o' Beauty may cloy when possess'd;
But the sweet, yellow darlings wi' Geordie impress'd,
The langer ye hae them, the mair they're carest.

Robert Burns

This one however, is a Scot's love poem that talks of the pain of separation and I love it dearly,

Ae Fond Kiss, And Then We Sever

Ae fond kiss, and then we sever;
Ae fareweel, alas, for ever!
Deep in heart-wrung tears I'll pledge thee,
Warring sighs and groans I'll wage thee.
Who shall say that Fortune grieves him,
While the star of hope she leaves him?
Me, nae cheerful twinkle lights me;
Dark despair around benights me.

I'll ne'er blame my partial fancy,
Naething could resist my Nancy:
But to see her was to love her;
Love but her, and love for ever.
Had we never lov'd sae kindly,
Had we never lov'd sae blindly,
Never met-or never parted,
We had ne'er been broken-hearted.

Fare-thee-weel, thou first and fairest!
Fare-thee-weel, thou best and dearest!
Thine be ilka joy and treasure,
Peace, Enjoyment, Love and Pleasure!
Ae fond kiss, and then we sever!
Ae fareweeli alas, for ever!
Deep in heart-wrung tears I'll pledge thee,
Warring sighs and groans I'll wage thee.

Robert Burns 1791

'Lang may yer lum reek'

SF


ps this did not post properly till Thursday !

Crazy old bastard returns!

Yes he is back.

Welcome to tonight's musing. But let's start with a joke.

Two whales, a male and female, are swimming just off the coast of Japan and the male whale sees a boat sailing. He recognises it as the boat that killed his mother and says to the female 'Let's get revenge on that boat, it is the one that killed my mum'

'Ok' the female says 'what shall we do?'

'Right' says the boy 'We swim under the boat and both skush air out of our blowholes and that will make the boat turn over'

so they swim under the boat and fire air out and the boat capsizes. Then they see the sailors swimming towards an island that's near by and the boy whale says 'lets go and eat the sailors to stop them escaping' and the girl whale replies...


'I didn't mind the blow job, but if you think I'm going to swallow seamen you're wrong!'

Crap joke!

Well the subject for tonight - tolerance.

I think I'm a semi tolerant person. Don't get me wrong I haven't always been. In fact as a youth I was a narrow minded religious bigot. Like most teenagers I believed the world to be black and white, but as you get older and grow up you begin to lighten up and realise that life is shades of grey.

So as I have scanned the blog world, under the tutolage of my master 'Tumchie Ben Munchoby' I have visited a blog of a former hero of mine.

When we were young we enjoyed the rock and roll soundings of CCM (contemporary Christian music) and one artist in particular. He (my hero) was a well read man who had studied philosophy in Switzerland at an artists retreat. So we visit his blog and discover that he is taking himself and his beliefs too seriously and at the age of nearly 50 he has gone the opposite way to us. Rather that becoming less sure of the nature of truth, as most of my friends have - we all kind of get the broad sweep but the detail is less clear (just like our eyesight) - he has become more sure of everything even the minutiae of life and theology the universe and everything. He has also become a religious bigot. It is only his small corner and interpretation of the religious that is right everyone else is wrong. What a prick.

Final thoughts

It is like M. Scott Peck says in 'The road less travelled' as a person becomes more actualised either their faith grows but becomes more nebulous or it dies. If however the start without a faith the one that develops with their actualisation is stronger. For those who have a faith, they often have to remain unactualised to preserve their faith.

I'm not sure where I am in this but want to be both actualised and faithful.

Here is hoping.
SF

As promised here he is

Yesterday I said I would try to bring you some of my friends poetry. Here it is. He gave me a big up when I first started my blogging, and I get to go away with him for a dirty weekend. - Our wives are going too so no sex!

DISTANCE

Images race away easily
Faces are figures
then blotches are buildings
are shapes then patterns
The blotches move around the patterns
deaf to the undercurrent of the engines drone
Prone to hyperbole
and a certain style

It’s been a while…. since I woke up to a smile

Clouds and lifetimes
drift by aimlessly
Stream of consciousness
begin then end
Bend and align to more selfish desires
Higher purposes
pull me further
and closer
I measure each mile

as it’s been a while…. since I woke up to a smile

Patterns reveal buildings
reveal blotches with features
then faces
The scent, sound and sight of her
provides instant remedy
Memories become dreams
Rest and sleep comfort


My eyes open
and her features portray
a certain absence of guile
My eyes close easier now

It’s been a while….since I woke up to a smile

from the Tumchie Muncher find him using the links at the side.

Poetic response to a friend

Having just read a friends blog... they are not all shite it inspired me to write a poem which shows sometimes there are things and ideas out there that are good and can lift your spirits. I really am fickle!

I n spi re

You in spire me
like in a church yard
cold and clear in the
fog of a winter morning

You insp ire me
making my anger rise
harsh and hot at the
close of a busy day

You inspire me
to try harder
to be the person I
know I should be

I hope to bring you the poem that caused this. I will need to wait for permission - intellectual property and such.

SF

Crisps and Beer

Ok I'm back and better than ever. All that angst about jobs and being a failure as gone, drowned by alcohol and getting busy with work. I have been visiting lots of blogs too. There is some dreadful shit out there.

Ok...

so I'm one to talk... but there are some really narrow minded uneducated 'fuck wits' in the blog world. I kind of knew it but when you see the breadth of moronic bigotry!

So back to my world and the question for tonight.

Are children less intelligent now that they were when we or our parents went through school?

The simple answer is YES.


I work with them all day and the know bugger all.

Everyday I am astonished by the things they don't know. Countries, Mythology, who Adam and Eve are, what the New Testament is...!!!

Don't get me wrong there are somethings they know that I don't but how useful are they really, they know things that do not help them understand the world or interpret things around them. Yeh they can text, and msn but they have nothing of value to say. They cannot reflect on the experience they have and make sense of it or see how it fits into the wider world. They don't even know who the Italian Prime Minister is, or that the capital of Turkey use to be Istanbul, or that it was called Constantinople, Byzantium before it.

Ok so I am an old fart, but there is so much that these kids don't know, even simple things like 'British Bulldog'. It might not be a game that every nation plays but for Scottish kids it was a given.

Well what is the answer? Comments please.

Am I just getting old?

Is it a sign where a good night in is a packet of crisps and a glass of beer!

SF

The Zen of Golf

I was talking to a friend tonight having a beer and chatting about our jobs. He like me is not totally happy with the way his life is going and we got to talking about the whole job thing. So I showed him my Blog - and explained the whole blog thing to him (he is just getting into the web thing) - and the topic of conversation turned to the job interview of the other day and the 40 something vibe. I told him what I thought I did wrong at the interview and we got to discussing this.

My theory/analysis is that I was so keen to get the job - yes this is a new theory coming up - that I played it safe. I decided that give the job was in a conservative establishment that I needed to tone down and play a safe and secure game. Because of that I came across as dull, someone who would not take a risk. Well not everyone is looking for a safe pair of hands, in fact most people want someone with go and drive, who will take things forward. That is me, but when you want something really badly sometimes you play safe, and that is what I think I probably did. So he says - and he wants a mention and his nickname, he picked it, is über meister - anyway he says "It is like golf, sometimes when you step up to the first tee you are tempted to play the safe shot with the four iron, but to make an impression you need to blast it with the driver. Sure you may shank it, but it is worth the risk to get what could be a brilliant shot".

So true my friend.

When I play golf - and I am shite - I am always willing to take the risk and lose the golf ball, that was my mistake, in the fear of how I may be perceived I forgot who I was.

Where now?

Well we will just have to wait and see.

I think I have left the Woody Allen place tonight and am moving back to the Tim Allen place, perhaps my resolution for this year should be - to be less reflective and learn how to truly not give a fuck.


I have come to a number of conclusion about Blogs - well about mine anyway

1. It is cheaper than therapy.
2. It is my chance to be Mork and report and a (possible non-existent) Orson- You.
3. It makes me believe I am important and worth listening to.
4. It makes you know that I am not important or worth listening to.
5. Writing it keeps me from my work and from my family.
6. It deprives me of sleep. It is 11.00pm now and I am still writing this shit.

Well the time has come to finish off my paid work before I go to sleep and so I will say good night.

The film quote is from 'The Shawshank Redemption' and you may have noticed that a happy and tranquil mood has come upon me which seems to make for a poorer blog entry. Lets hear it for angst!

The final comment of tonight is to recommend my other blog. It is the beginnings of a writers page. Unlike Tumchie, my muse is prose - mainly. So I will be posting some stories and short novels (or extracts) read them if you want and let me know what you think. The 'stuff' will be appearing at the beginning of next week and the range of literature will be wide. Everything from conception (sex) to death (murder and funerals) will be covered. Watch this space... well actually that space. The link is at the side - James B Wright is the blog - not my name but an old dead relative of my in-laws.

Drink

Well this is my response to not getting the job! What can you do except bite your lip, try to smile and get outrageously drunk!

In the words of Tammy Fay Baker (I saw her being interviewed after Jim had been taken away for fraud) 'When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade'. I know that others have said it too, but she finished it by saying 'a smile is a frown, turned upside down'.

I have no idea what this actually means or proves but... her old man had just been locked up and was claiming to see elephants whilst hiding under a table in his lawyers office.

This brings me to tonight's musing.

Why is it that as we get older our confidence seems to diminish rather than increase?

You would think that it would. We know ourselves better and have a more realistic view of what we can do, we should and generally have achieved more and for most of us we are more likely to be in a relationship that is positive and supports us.

Yet we are still capable of being levelled with one or two comments.

We should careless about what people think yet in some ways we seem to care more.

Perhaps it is just me... if it is don't tell me that will just make me feel worse.

Perhaps it is just where I am at just now...

It is the funny thing with jobs, and relationships too. For you to get them or make them work you have to invest of yourself. Yet that makes you vulnerable.

Lets take the job I didn't get. I had two ways of approaching the job interview. Either I could decide that I didn't care about the job and that would come over at the interview, or commit myself to really going for the job and hope that my commitment showed through. The first - in my field of work - would have fairly conclusively written me off of the job. But on the upside I would not care and would cope well with the rejection - partly because I had rejected them first. The second would have given me a better chance of getting the job - or in this case made fuck all difference - but then if I was rejected it would be a much more personal blow and would leave me 'hurt' like being ditched by a girlfriend.

You will recognise the dilemma.

There is another way of dealing with it and that involved changing who I am.

The problem is one that many of my friends have too. We are all fairly self reflective creative types, who don't like to overstate what we do. It is a party thing. We all know what it is like when you meet someone at a party who has an over inflated sense of themselves. They act like the have a "ten foot cock", well none of us like them, though some of us must be them, so we don't like to over sell ourself. So we don't we give measured and 'accurate' responses and they sweep in woo the crowd and take our jobs!

Or maybe we've just watched too many Woody Allen films!

SF

Old Fucker

Ok...

So I'm getting old.

I know it but does it have to be this fucking annoying?

So my life is ok, nice wife, lovely kids, good house, comfortable life, all good...but

Well like all people of my age, nearly 40, I am aware of the lack of achieved potential.

Don't get me wrong, I have achieved more than my teachers at school told me I would, but for me it is in a different area to the one I was heading for initially.
The truth is I though I would be 'making a difference' in a church, or outreach project like a new David Wilkerson, or Billy Graham type. But then life interrupts and changes your direction.

So what has this to do with age. Well its is the way you cope with change. Age does not help. I remember talking to a Church of Scotland minister about 15 years ago. He told me that the problem with the church was not the young or the old but the middle aged. "They are at a time of their life where everything is changing, work, family, society - so they want to control things and stop change and the only place they can do this is church. They resist any change or progress, they are the most conservative' Ok so I no longer go to church, but the rest he is right about. I have grown to fear and hate change, in part it is about control, but in part it is also about mortality. The truth is I have over the past 10 years become more worried about death and this has expressed itself in the fear of change. It is almost as if the changes will all add up to my demise. Ok so it is stupid and I need to get over it but...

That brings me to where I am tonight. Tomorrow at 10.10 I have an interview for a new job, and it is one that I want.

So here is my hope for this year... to grow up... I am hopeful

"I hope, I hope, I hope"

Name that movie

SF

Welcome

Ok this is the first posting on a new blog - my first blog... Well I hope that you enjoy reading the blog and feel free to make comment. There is no real shape to the blog - as yet - but at least it is a beginning.

Honourable mentions...

Well I would not have started this blog without the encouragement of one person. Superfluff.

You know who you are and where you are. I will be including a link to his blog soon, once I remember how to do it!

Ok so it is a slow start but at least it is a beginning.


Oh as for the name of the blog... for those who don't know it comes from a UK TV comedy called Father Ted, there are tons of links, and is the reply for Father Jack to the question 'And what would you say to a cup of tea father?' The reason for the choice is that I want to be Father Jack when I grow up.

SF