Here's Johnny - and he's at the top of Maslow's Triangle

I have been away for a very long time and now thanks to my muse - the Tumchie Muncher - I am back.
TM has explored some deep and personal things on his blog recently, see the link http://tumchie.journalspace.com

So my blog reflects our conversations and my thoughts on the blog, though this starts earlier with a conversation I had with a friend - peace protester - about starting a self help group for those who leave church. We decided it should be called evangelicals anonymous.

You could imagine the meeting... "My name is Bob and I'm an evangelical"

"Hi Bob" the group retort.

The point we discussed was the negative effect the church can have balanced with the positive impact that individual christians do have. She worked for the church in the US working in a ghetto. And that is the issue with evangelicalism, when you come up against the wider world, the real world you have to re-evaluate what you think. I had this discussion with an evangelical recently and that accused me of being arrogant, saying that I was acting like my experience (and that of my friend) was better that theirs. Nothing could be further from the truth, they had experienced as much of the world as I had, the difference was in our interpretation of the experience. For them it was about offering solutions, for me it was about seeking answers, or at least asking the questions.

In the old testament book of psalms there are several psalms written in the midst of trouble and disaster, these are wonderful because they let me see that I am not alone, but they also point to the messiness of life and the lack of clear answers that exist. There is no simple solution to the question of "Why?". The church, as an institution wants rules and hope and clarity. God does not always give that.

TM was right when he pointed out that the damage that churches can do and the way it shapes who we are. But for me at the moment, and this could be a passing feeling, I need to remember that

a. I am in my 40's so I need to get over it and stop looking at my belly buttons.
b. When you escape from a cult you have to have scars, so these will fade and heal, just stop touching them (my mother's advice on cuts and that likes). So probing my hurt may not be a good idea (oh er missus)
c. Yes we are the product of the shit that life throws at us but we are adults now, even if the people who try to guilt us or blame us aren't. Worse things happened to our parents (or Grandparents) generation, they were bombed for fucksake, or shot, or put in trenches. So some religious fuck heads were mean to us and said bad things... I just need to get over it.

I like this quote from Warren Zevon (of Werewolves of London fame) from his song 'My Shit's fucked up' here is the abridged form.

That amazing grace
Sort of passed you by
You wake up every day
And you start to cry
Yeah, you want to die
But you just can't quit
Let me break it on down:
It's the fucked up shit

All I have gained since leaving the church 7 years ago I don't want to lose, but recently we (me and family) have started going again. My fear was always that the church is/can be an evil vicious cult, who will manipulate and brutalise those who don't fit in with the club that it is cultic in all of its approach - here I am pointing to the right wing fundi penti types. Those who it deals with, it subjugates through power and intimidation. It says it will only welcome you on its' terms but then you have to deny who you are or they will - through the penti equivalent of Papal bull - send you to hell. The problem for the church is that when you realise they have little real power you are back in control. I can go now because I don't have to believe any thing that any others do. They can kick me out but it is really unlikely that they will ban me. I am neither interested in nor would I accept any form of leadership. So given that is the carrot they have nothing to offer, other than fellowship and that is what Church is about. Note how for the first time I have used the capital C. That is the difference and that, Church, is something that no-one can exclude you from because it is there every time I meet my friends, people like TM.

In my chat to TM I reckoned that really all we lacked when we were in the church was perspective, I know this is over simplistic but..., it is the thing we have gained since we left, unless we are talking technology, and perhaps the feeling of being comfortable with who were are.

Ok it is a transient feeling but a passing feeling of being self actualised is better than none.

And for now I'll settle for that.

The club that is church cannot be allowed to take away our feeling of being comfortable with who God has made us.

Being!